I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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