It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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