then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
