i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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