I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
