Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
3 2 1 whiskey
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
