Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
