I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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