im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
false alarm, still single
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
