walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
