I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
