these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
