Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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