before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
