I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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