She's JV to your varsity
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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