you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just had sex bonerless
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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