My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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