I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
