Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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