Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
