and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
