I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
