dude i'm inner monologue high
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
