Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
