You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
