Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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