Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
