I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
