Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
