I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize