In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
