Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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