why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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