i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize