I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
