I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
