hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
