He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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