You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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