I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
