What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
