she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You need a sexual gate keeper
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
