you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
honey bunches of taint.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
