Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
