I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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