Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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