This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
