I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize