i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
