when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
