Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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