How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
