I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
