you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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