i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You ruined the universe
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
