The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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