He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
