just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
