did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
