I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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