It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
