watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize