Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
