Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
