maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Sober January is a disaster.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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